You’re Not Alone

As I’m laying here getting my youngest to sleep I’m reflecting on my journey! How did I get here? To this point right now in my life? How did I make it through the worst / darkest days of my life?

I went back and read through my past posts and the truth is, I got through my darkest days because I had a husband that was literally willing to listen when I cried out for help.

When I quit my job in 2017 I had just found out that my biological father wasn’t the person I thought all these years. I had just found out the results to the ancestry DNA test and found my biological fathers family. I had trauma from my childhood I had never addressed. Everything hit me at once. Everything I thought I had stuffed away, deep down, was now exposed at the front of my mind. Things I didn’t even realize I had stuffed down. Things I wish I said then but now it’s too late! The person or people aren’t here anymore.

I remember laying on the couch as Emerson played outside and all I thought of was how I could leave this earth without traumatizing my kids. I remember just wanting the hurt to end. The pain in my heart to stop. I remember just feeling like I was in a dark hole. I couldn’t escape! I felt trapped. Like I was suffocating. I just wanted to die! That felt better than living. My kids would have been better off I thought.

My husband would come back from being gone all week and the house would be a mess. Laundry everywhere. Toys out. Just chaos. Sometimes he would come home and say something and others he would just let it go.

He had no clue I was depressed. He thought he just had a lazy wife who didn’t do anything. Until one day I dropped the bomb on him. I was sitting on one couch and he was on the other. At that time our couches faced each other. So we were right in front of each other. I was watching Greys Anatomy and I remember having a battle in my head - it was like having the good angel on one side and the bad angel on the other.

The Bad Angel - you’re not good enough, you don’t deserve love, he’s not going to care what you say, you’re weak, it went on and on.

The Good Angel - you’re worth it, you deserve happiness, you deserve love, you deserve to live, it went on and on.

You DESERVE to LIVE!!!! I paused my show and looked at Craig and I told him. I’m depressed. I’ve had suicidal thoughts. I hated myself. I wanted to die. I just felt the tears stream down my face. I don’t remember what he said but, I do remember the weight of the world was no longer on my back. I felt instant relief and in that moment I chose to live.

There are still times that I need to just step back and take a breather and it will hit me out of nowhere. There are times when I literally can’t get out of bed because it’s just too much. I’ll sleep it off and be ok the next day. There are times when I put a smile on my face and just get through.

But, the truth is, I would not be where I am today or even alive if it weren’t for Craig. I’ve put him through a lot and even when people told him to walk away, he stayed! He’s loved me unconditionally and he has even changed things about himself to accommodate me and how I need to be loved. (Maybe not ideal for most people) but for us it works. I’m grateful for him and couldn’t ask for a better husband!

If you’re reading this and you’re feeling like you’re in a dark place reach out to someone! Talk about it, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Talk to a counselor if you don’t feel comfortable talking to a friend! Talk to a friend! Talk to your spouse! Talk to anybody! There is a tribe of people willing to help, even if you don’t think so! You are not weak, you are strong and together we we can conquer Depression and Mental Health.

Listen to the Good Angel and know that you too are WORTH LIVING!

CYH,

Chels

#loveyourself