#loveyourself

It's been almost four months since I started my Journey to lose weight. I started at a whopping 209 I am at 188 now. I started the first couple weeks just getting my meal prep perfect. I did really well and then I started an 8 week fitness challenge. Every week I have to hold myself accountable and turn in pictures and my current weight to my health coach.

After the first week of the challenge I could literally feel as I was working out, the pain coming out of my body. It was an emotional thing for me and will continue to be one of healing and moving forward. People may not really understand, but when you have hidden your hurt away for so long and you've never really talked about all the things you've gone through in your life, it begins to literally shed off as you are making changes. I never expected anything like that to happen, but man am I glad. Holding on to some of those things were damaging. I still have a LONG way to go, but am proud of my progress.

After the second week of the challenge I started feeling my depression come back. I literally sat there thinking HOW IN THE WORLD can I feel this way right now!? I am doing everything I need to do to get my life in a happy place - WHY am I going backwards!? How can this happen!? Then it hit me, depression does not discriminate to people who are ONLY going through a rough time! Depression kills happiness! Depression comes when you least expect it. Out of nowhere! Depression SUCKS!

As each week went on, I was discouraged for a couple weeks because I couldn't tell a difference - but yet the weight was coming off. My amazing coach just continued to motivate me and she would tell me there was a difference. Stay focused and the results you want will come.

Going through this process / lifestyle change, I realized - YOU are your greatest cheerleader! YOU are your greatest motivator!! YOU! You cannot rely on someone else to motivate you! You cannot rely on someone to want it for you! YOU have to want it. Trust me - I tried many diet programs, many pills, drinks, etc... but nothing lasted because my mind wasn't in it. I was looking for someone else to tell me they support me! Or motivate me!

I have realized that if you REALLY want it, it will come easier - doesn't mean there aren't days where I want to seriously eat all the cupcakes and cookies in the world, but it is a lot easier for me to say no or just have one!

Here's something else I learned - I AM A SURVIVOR! One year ago I was on the verge of suicide! I wanted to die! My depression had taken over my whole entire life and all I could hear was you are not good enough to be here! Nobody cares! Nobody wants you to succeed! Your worth is nothing! One year ago my family could have been planning a funeral. My kids could have been without a mom! BUT I SURVIVED! All those things that pushed me into depression over the course of my life - they no longer consume me! One by one they are being kicked to the curb!

I am no longer a victim to my own life ... I AM A SURVIVOR - trying to figure out how to love myself! Losing weight has been a struggle for me, and honestly looking at myself 22lbs heavier it makes me cry!

If I could tell my old self anything it would be this - YOU ARE STRONG! YOU ARE VALUED! YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! YOU ARE WORTH IT! YOU MATTER! YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS! LOVE YOURSELF!!!!

If I can do this - I promise you, YOU CAN DO THIS!