Value the Moment

" Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory." - Dr. Seuss

How true is this? Everyday we rush through and just try to get to the next day. Very rarely do we value the moment we are in RIGHT NOW! Take a minute and just embrace the moment. Embrace your life. Embrace those around you. Just one minute. Take a picture. Write in a journal. Do something in that moment so you can look back and remember.

A month in a half ago I got the news that a good friend from High School had taken his life. This good friend was more than that to me, he was my best friend and we had a lot of fun during our high school days. I loved him dearly. It was hard to hear that he had taken his life, it was even harder to hear that he would no longer be on this earth to love and be loved by those around him. It was hard to hear that he suffered inside.

This last week while home I had the chance to go see his lovely mom, dad and sister. Oh how I love the Gardner's. They have and always will have a special place in my heart. The emotion I felt while I was there was something that I will never forget. My heart breaks for this family who lost their dear son and brother. It was good to talk about fun memories from the past, like that one time, when Skyler and I met up at Target because we wanted to just spend some extra time together and we turn the corner and there is his mom! She laughed and told us she could hear us a mile away (which wasn't surprising, I'm not exactly the quietest person). There was some laughing and so many tears.

Something I learned from Skyler's death is you can't just wait, you can't sit back and just have hope that something will happen. You have to make time for people who are important to you. You have to get out of your bubble and you have to make time. I always had hope that I would run into Skyler at some point in my life and just talk to him and tell him what he meant to me all those years ago.

I had the opportunity to go visit him at the cemetery and the overwhelming feeling I felt while there is something I will never ever forget. My heart hurt so bad that I was visiting him there and not at his parents house. But the peace I felt while sitting there just talking to him was something I will hold on to.

I'm learning that my bubble needs to go away. Moments need to happen so memories can be made. We need to show those that are important to us that we care and love them. This doesn't mean you necessarily need to go visit them, but write a letter. Send a note. Text. Phone call! Just do it! You will feel much better.

While I was home I got a tattoo that has so much meaning for me. See in December I started having depression, I didn't really know what it was. I had never really dealt with it before. I felt alone and weak. I felt like I had no one around that I could talk to. My world as I knew was now dark. It was ugly. I wanted to just die. I wanted so badly to just stop fighting. The semicolon in literature means a sentence the author could have ended, but chose not too. WOW, such a true meaning for life in general. Especially those that suffer from depression, or those who know someone who suffers from depression or mental illness. I also wanted something that was beautiful that I could look at and smile when I feel down. It is a reminder of hope.

One day I finally told my husband what was going on. I told him that I didn't know what was wrong or how to get through it. I told him that everything I had emotionally gone through over the course of my life, was coming out. I never talked about my hurt. I always had a smile on my face and covered my pain up by helping others. I always felt grateful for the trials that have come my way! I have embraced them. After having and fighting still to this day with depression I have realized that it's ok to be weak. It's ok to voice how you feel. It's ok to not be ok. We gain tools from trials, that will hopefully help us be stronger in the end. We gain tools to help others and share our experiences.

After I found out Skyler had died, my heart hurt for him. My heart hurt that he was in such a dark place. My heart hurt that he was so alone inside. My heart hurt that he did not know his worth. My heart hurt because I knew how hard it was to be in that place. I knew and know how hard it is to fight. Depression is so real. It's so dark. It's something that you can't just walk away from. You sincerely need an army of people. I will always remember this amazing guy and the love he had for his family and friends. The love he had for the outdoors & helping others.

DO NOT TRY AND DO IT ALONE! If you have depression TALK TO SOMEONE! ANYONE! I promise you will feel better, it is not going to go away but you will feel as if a weight is lifted and you will know that you are so loved. You have to own it. I can't tell you where I would be right now if I hadn't just blurted out to my husband that I was depressed. I can't tell you. I can tell you that I don't EVER want to be back in that place. I will fight EVERY SINGLE DAY to see light and push the darkness out. I will fight hard.

While I was visiting Skyler I had the overwhelming feeling of peace as I stated above. I felt as if Skyler was telling me he's ok. As I was sitting there so many memories came back. If only I would have known then, the importance those moments would mean one day... Skyler Blake, you're doing good things in Heaven. I know you are free from the darkness and you are working hard to love yourself.

This is the message Skyler's family is sharing: Love Yourself. I think this is a message that many of us can use and need to hear. "It's not selfish to love yourself, take care of yourself & to make your happiness a priority. It's Necessary" As someone who has held my emotions in for years and years, this message is something I needed. I always felt that helping others would help me but really it was just my escape. I love helping people and will still continue to love people, but I know I have to learn how to love myself first.

I truly feel in my heart that if we talk about mental illness and depression we will all be able to help each other. We can become an army of Soldiers. We can rely on each other to help us through. You can always have someone to talk to. Please if nothing else, if you are reading this and you are struggling, know, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! WE ARE NOT ALONE! YOU ARE LOVED! YOU ARE WANTED! YOU ARE WORTH EVERY SINGLE DAY!!!!

cyh -

Chelsea

In Loving Memory of Skyler Blake