Reflection

Two years ago I came home after a quick trip to Idaho and was so angry! My oldest son's mom and I had a discussion and she had told me that he was struggling with being adopted. I just couldn't shake the conversation that we had. It literally made me sick. I knew exactly how he felt and my heart broke that he had to go through this at young age.

As soon as I got home I wrote my thoughts down and didn't tell a soul about what I had written. I would go back to my writing every single night and I would just cry. I would cry because I could understand exactly how my little guy felt. The only difference was, he knew who I was and I had never met my biological dad. I was struggling so bad at this point with my story. I hated that I was adopted.

Fifteen months ago I had a discussion with my oldest sons adoptive parents. They told me that he was struggling with his story and they asked me how I felt at eight years old knowing that I was adopted? Honestly, I didn't really understand at that point because I was so young and my dad hadn't ever been apart of my life. It wasn't until years later that I felt the void in my heart.

Fifteen months ago I finally told my sister and husband what I had written. I asked them if it would be good enough for a children's book, they both said "YES!" (Paige and I got the book together and it is currently in the process of being illustrated) I had also told them I wanted to start a blog. I wanted to help other people that had gone through this similar experience to know they were not alone.

In January of 2017, my awesome little sister Paige, helped me so much with designing my blog. We got everything up and going and on February 26th, 2017 I posted my first post. Had I known then that my world was going to be completely shaken two days after my first blog being posted things may have turned out different.

March 1st, 2017 - The day I had wanted more than anything in my life ... My "dad" reached out to me. It was the most exhausting, emotional and confusing day of my life. It was also a relief. The man that I had known for 21 years to be my dad was finally reaching out. He was finally telling me that I was enough. I felt so much love. There was an instant connection and I was so grateful for that. It wasn't awkward, it just flowed.

Less than 30 days later I would find out that this man was not my dad! My heart hurt so bad. I could not even begin to tell you how shattered I felt. Once again I just felt like I wasn't worth anything. Right before he reached out to me, I wanted to be done with life. I was so depressed and lost. I hated life, after finding out, I was ok for a minute, but I was broken and then depressed. I didn't eat for weeks and when I did eat it was a bite here and there. It was the best and worst month of my life.

After finding out this news I was at peace with never knowing my dad. I felt all these years that I needed this man in my life and really I had to great father figures in my life. Growing up, things weren't perfect, and we all could have probably done things better ... But sometimes we need to go through challenging times to realize that we are strong.

If anything, I learned that, I have two amazing dad's. I have an amazing mom who has given so much to my and my family. I have loving and supportive siblings and a husband who literally sat back and bit his tongue when it wasn't easy for him to do. I have an amazing group of friends. I have family that I always that was my family who after everything came out, they still chose to love and support me. They chose to still be my family! I am so thankful beyond words for their love and support.

In July Craig told me that the ancestry kits were on sale and I should get one. I agreed. I did the test as soon as it came in and returned it just as quick. I was expected to hear the results months from when I sent it. I sent the test in July 26th and got the results back on August 7th. I could not believe they were back that quick ... I opened the email and to my amazement, the majority of my biological dad's family had also done the test.

I sent an email to one of the contacts and simply just said " Hello! I am looking to find information about my family and you are a strong connection to me. Please call me or email at your earliest convenience." Not even an hour later I got a phone call and it was an amazing lady on the other end. She told me that there were nine total siblings, and I had to be the tenth. I told her that my dad's name is Randy, she said that was her brother and unfortunately nobody had heard from him for a couple years.

She told me that they lived in Southern California and they just happened to be coming to Arizona the following day and they would love to meet up. I agreed. We met and that void that was missing all those years, was filled. There was so much love! I can't tell you how grateful I am for God's hand in all that has happened. She filled me in on all the siblings and even told me that some of them were a little hesitant. Which is understandable. I mean after all I was a stranger!

After we met I wanted to get to California as soon as possible to meet my Grandpa. I did not want to miss out on meeting him. When we arrived to his home, we were greeted by my Aunt Maulena, her husband Albert, My cousin Dustin and her four adorable kiddos, My Uncle Paul and his beautiful girlfriend Maribel.

When I met my Uncle, I had a flashback in time, I saw myself as a little girl and him being my best friend. My heart hurt, because that wasn't a reality. I wanted so badly to go back in time and have that relationship with him and even my amazing aunt. Obviously we can't go back in time, but we can and will make new memories going forward.

All I can say is GOD IS GOOD! He know's exactly what we need and when we need it. He knows the challenges we are going to go through and he knows EXACTLY how to pick us up and move forward.

2017 has been a year of many ups and just as many downs. It has been a year of changes and learning what is truly important in life. 2017 has been a year that I am ready to shut the doors on. It was been a year that has been so challenging but yet rewarding!

2017, if there was anything I could say to you, it would be this, THANK YOU! Thank you for allowing my heart to hurt! Thank you for allowing me to make positive changes for myself and my family. 2017, thank you for giving me exactly what I needed.

"The best feeling in the whole world is watching things finally fall into place after watching them fall apart for so long."