October 2, 2017

"Had I loved him any less -one ounce less- he would be with me now! My love for him was the only thing that could enable me to break my own heart and other peoples hearts."

It has been ten years since I placed a sweet little innocent baby into the arms of his chosen mom and dad. It has been ten years of many ups and just as many downs. I have learned adoption is nowhere near perfect. It's actually far from that. Adoption is confusing, heart breaking, can be amazing, and it hurts.

Ten years ago I would have never imagined my heart feeling the way it does. . I have had a lot of time to reflect on what I wanted to say in this post and the truth is this ... Three weeks ago this post would have been very different. My heart has hurt so much the last couple of months and especially this month, the tenth anniversary of the placing. I realized however, my feelings are just that, feelings! I have been angry, upset, and hurt and I'm not exactly sure what changed in my heart, maybe it's writing in the journal I bought for him, or maybe it's just realizing that I can't change the situation. Maybe it's that I am going to help young teenagers through this process. Or maybe it's the knowledge of knowing that when he is ready to have a relationship I know he will have so many people who love and care about him.

As much as it hurts to take a step back and let my little guy go through his life the way he needs to, I have. He hated his story, like I hated mine. I hated that I was adopted. I felt trapped and alone for a long time, until March 1st. I have a completely different outlook now.

Ten years have gone by! Ten years of memories I will hold onto for the rest of my life. Ten years of good times and bad. I can't tell you how many times in the last two years I have thought I made the wrong decision, I felt like I failed my little guy. I can't tell you how many times I have thought of his biological dad and the pain he might feel or not feel. Could we have figured it out? How would my life be different? Is this normal? there are so many more questions I have asked myself and thoughts I have thought, but at the end of the day, nothing will change. There is no reason to dwell on this. It's ok to feel hurt. It's ok to feel angry. It's ok to not understand. You decide your happiness. You decide if you want to hold on or let go. I thought that letting go would be negative, but it's not. I chose to let go of the negative thoughts and I look forward to the future.

Another year is going to go by and I have a much different outlook. I will work every single day to stay positive. I will go every single day knowing that the hand we are dealt in life is one that our Savior knows all too well. He knows the trials we have to endure. He knows that we will struggle, he also knows that we can get through all things, and he will be right there to help us when we need a hand.

cyh! "Consider Yourself Hugged: a simple reminder you are never alone"

**It is important in any situation to have boundaries/expectations discussed up front. It is important to try and stay consistent with those boundaries. I have a post all about boundaries, please go read if you haven't and are either a birth-mom choosing adoption or a couple wanting to adopt. It might even been good to have it written out and signed so all parties agree!