Blessings Through Raindrops * Healing Through Tears

I never in a million years would have thought this post would come so soon! I thought for sure I had a couple more years before I would get the opportunity to post this.

I was 8 years old and had really just digested the fact that I had been adopted by my dad. So to be clear my mom is my biological mother and my dad adopted me when I was 2. I never really knew anything other than he was my dad. My mom and dad did the best they could but a part of me was missing. I longed for that daddy-daughter relationship I saw so many of my friends have.

I knew who my "biological" dad was. I was told and even grew up knowing his sister and her family. My cousins and I were close and I always felt welcome and loved there. He had one other sister that I didn't meet until I was about to get married. After meeting her I felt so much more complete. The connection I felt was overwhelming for me, and the handful of times I was around his whole family (minus him) was very emotional. I almost always would have to find something to distract myself so I could just have a smile on my face. I would even avoid talking to people so I wouldn't cry.

I feel that no matter your relationship with your adopted parent/parents a child will always wonder where they came from. Who they truly are. Do I have siblings? How would life be if my situation was different? Was I not worth it? Do they love their other children more? There are so many things that go through your mind, at least for me they have.

From the time I was 8 until about 19 I hated my biological dad. I was so angry with him. How could he do this to me? Why would he just walk away? It never made sense to me as why this would happen. Didn't he know that I needed him? These are real questions I asked myself. I struggled with not being enough. All I ever wanted was to just be enough.

My heart changed the day I placed my baby into the arms of his new mom and dad. I instantly had nothing but love for my biological dad. I forgave him in that moment. I never again felt angry and realized that maybe he was just doing what he felt was best for me. As I was doing for my son.

All the time I got to know my biological dads family I just wanted more than anything to meet him. I wanted him in my life, I needed him. I wanted to be a part of his life, but more than anything I wanted to feel accepted and loved.

My time came! March 1st, 2017 the day he friended me on Facebook. The day he finally sent me a message telling me his side of the story! The day my life completely changed, for the best. I felt like my puzzle was complete. I felt so much love and support from this man, my biological father. The connection was great.

For 30 years this man has known of me. He has thought I was his daughter. For 30 years he had thought about me, and had pictures of me. My emotions as you can imagine were out of control. I was so happy, sick, sad, relieved. Emotionally I was a mess! I didn't eat for 3 plus days. I was so stressed out. I had doubt. But the connection was so great. How could I have doubt? This was literally everything I ever wanted. This was going to be it. We both early on agreed that we wanted a test to confirm so we could have a peace of mind. I was so confident in the results that we were talking basically as if we knew.

I learned so much from this man. My testimony of forgiveness grew tremendously. I started to have more patience with my kids. I learned that there is no need to be angry or hold grudges. I even learned how to communicate better with my husband. For the first time in most likely my whole life I was able to communicate how I felt. I learned that I was truly a daughter of God. I had so much worth. I learned that I was enough.

I was told early on in our conversations that he would be coming to Arizona in April and he would like to meet. I, of course agreed, but wanted to have the test completed before he came. He agreed. We both got our tests done and played the waiting game.

I know for me I had very little doubt at this point. I was so confident, I put a book of my life together for him as a gift, because he missed out on so much and I wanted him to be able to look at this whenever he wanted.

Friday March 24, 2017 came! I reached out to the testing place and asked why I hadn't seen the results, they said that everything was sent on Wednesday March 22. Neither one of us had received them so I asked for them to be emailed over to a completely different email. I was so excited to finally have the results. I couldn't wait to open the attachment.

I opened the email so quick and literally read through it so fast. And there it was... the results were really in. My heart sank! My body froze! My biological dad he wasn't really my dad! I was really confused. How could this be? I thought it was a mistake. This isn't right. How did I have such a great connection with him? They got it all wrong.

I was devasted. I was so heart broken. This is all I have wanted for 21 years and it's not even real. It was like the worst nightmare you could possibly imagine and I couldn't get out of it. I was now grieving the loss of all I ever knew, all I ever wanted.

Looking back on a very specific day I know it was the spirit telling me this is not good. The day I went in to take my test, I walked out of there feeling so sick. I literally wanted to go back into the office and say please don't send those. I fought off the feeling and just talked myself out of it. Those were just nerves. I ignored the feeling and just kept telling myself it's going to be fine.

It is now March 29th 2017, I have had good days and bad days. I have cried for many hours and have felt so alone at certain times. I have questioned God and why he would do this to me? I have analyzed every single scenario, including maybe just maybe they got the test wrong.

In April I met the man I always thought was my dad. I have had to accept the fact that this man will be in my life as a friend and not a father. I have had to close the door to one chapter of my life and start on the next chapter. I have had to move forward with the knowledge that God has a plan and I have to trust what he knows.

I have learned that you don't have to have biological genes to love! I love this man I thought was my father. I love his family as if they were truly my family. I have made connections with people I never would have if this did not all happen.

I'm grateful for prayer and the power it has to heal you. I'm so grateful for the many friends / family I have that have literally picked me up and are helping me move forward. I'm grateful for the love and support of my family and I'm more than grateful for the love and support of this man who I thought was my dad.

My hope is not to receive sympathy or people feeling bad for me, instead focus on loving those around you, whether they are biological family or not. Be compassionate towards all you come in contact with. Remember you don't know what they are fighting inside. They might just need a little encouragement or maybe a hug. It might only take a smile or a Hello!

I also want to say and feel it appropriate to mention that there are absolutely no hard feelings towards any person in this situation. There was no doubt that this man was supposed to be apart of my life.

We all make mistakes and to judge someone else for their mistakes is wrong, Nobody in this situation could have known the outcome and everybody involved was positive it would be the correct one. I have gained more knowledge about myself and for that I am nothing but grateful.

I have felt the love of my savior throughout all of this, and because of him I am able to focus on what is important and not dwell on what is not.

Because of this trial in my life I have realized that my dad might not have been perfect, but he chose me. He chose to be my dad and for me to be his daughter. He didn't have to do that, and for that I am eternally grateful. I was blessed with not only one dad but two! I have an amazing "bonus" (step) Dad, that I love. "Fatherhood requires love, not DNA!" This is a proven fact in my life.

Both the dad's in my life have been incredible selfless and extremely important to me. They have taught me and pushed me to be better. They have been my biggest fans and my biggest critics. I love both of them with all my heart and am beyond grateful to have them in my life.

Trials are not easy, but they are necessary to help mold us into the people we are supposed to become. They are also used as tools, in this case, because of this I have realized that I have two amazing dad's and they are both enough and are more than I could have ever dreamed of. So thank you! This trial has already turned into a blessing in more ways than one.

cyh,

Chelsea