No Regrets!

We cannot redo the past, but only look to the future and use our past experiences to teach, learn and help others. Here are a couple things I learned after going through the adoption process:

1. Set boundaries. Before the adoption, sit down with the family and go over what you expect and what they expect. Remember this is only for the best interest of all parties. It doesn't seem like it at the time, but it is extremely important. It will keep the relationship happy and healthy. For example, it took you nine months to carry that baby, so give the adopted family at least that, maybe even longer to bond with their new addition. Understand that it's not because you are not wanted or needed, it is simply because it is important for them to have this bonding time. We had a good relationship and they allowed me to be a part of his life from day one, if only I knew then what I know now, I would have done things differently.

2. Wants/Needs. Go over what you want. Tell them what you expect. Do you want a yearly visit, monthly emails, pictures, etc... What do you want or need? It is ok for you to voice your wants/needs. It is better to be open and honest and be on the same page than have miscommunications or regrets later on.

3. DO NOT MAKE PROMISES! This is important, a broken promise is worse than a promise not made. Making any promises in this situation is not smart and honestly you are setting yourself up for disappointment. If the family promises you can be a part of the child's life and then changes their mind it will be devastating. Or even if you are the birth-mom do not make promises. Your life will change, you eventually will have a family of your own and things will get busy. It is much better to set up boundaries and move forward consistently following those guidelines. We as humans sometimes say things that 1. We don't mean or 2. To get what we want. It's so easy to make promises before any situation, avoid this.

4. Forgiveness. Have an open heart and mind. Know that things will not be perfect. There will be times when things don't make sense or your feelings may get hurt. Be willing to forgive and move on. I didn't and was angry for some time. It's not fair to the people around who love you and care about you. Anger can do so much damage and you don't even know. I loved this quote: "Forgiveness is a choice, we may not be able to choose to wipe away the hurt that someone else may have caused but we can choose to cast off the bitterness, anger and the feelings of the need for revenge and justice. How? Trust in God, believe in his word, and turn judgement over to him. Once we let god take over, we can start to let the negative feelings go."

5. Communication. It is extremely important to communicate. The family I chose and I never had communication problems. Both parties were honest and open about what we were feeling, updates, etc... until one day we weren't. We had a huge miscommunication and because there wasn't a simple phone call, text or email it has ultimately changed the whole situation. I had to make a decision I wasn't ever wanting to make. Communication is 100% crucial to this process. There will be times where you are told things that maybe you don't want to hear, you have expectations that life will be perfect, but the reality of it is, life is not perfect and there will be ups and downs.

6. Help! Seek help from a professional. Adoption is life changing and to think that you are strong enough to get through it alone is difficult. I was that person. I thought I was doing great, and I was until I started figuring out my own adoption story. I had/have emotions I never even knew existed. I started to hate what I did to him, because I can relate to what he is feeling. I started to have doubts. I know it is not easy to reach out and admit that you may need help, but it is ok. It is ok to get in touch with reality and get your feelings and emotions in check. We can't always go through that by ourselves. So ask for help!

7. Think. Think about the child in this situation. Think about what they have to go through. Sometimes it's hard to think about the whole picture, especially when you might have so much hurt in your heart. I have at times felt selfish because I want to be a part of Baby D's life, I wanted him to always know that I was close and he could count on me. Most importantly I never wanted him to ask WHY? Once I finally realized what was best for him and truly put him first, I was able to take a step back and let him grow up without me interfering.

There is not a day that goes by, I don't think about my precious little boy. I love him more than I can even express and am grateful for this journey we are both going on. I know without him, I would not have figured out so many things about myself. I know he is in good hands and the Lord will bless him.

I'm grateful for the blessings of forgiveness. I know because of that I have been able to be let go of the hurt and move forward. I have been able to love this sweet family, in good and bad. I will forever be grateful for them and the love they have given to my baby boy.

I love knowing that the Lord has a plan and I know that if I trust him things will work out. I'm grateful that I have CYH, because I feel the saviors arms wrapped around me all the time, and know that he is right next to me every step of the way.

xoxo,

Chelsea